14. "Suddenly Everything Has Changed"

My Deary,

            

Last night was a rough one since after coming back home I confronted my parents about their divorce.They acted like it should not be an issue for me.I decided not to argue further so went to my room. Obviously I couldn't sleep after it,so i decided to call Debika.She didn't pick up,hence she was asleep as it was 12.30 then.I called Varun unconsciously.As soon as I realized my mistake he picked up the phone."Hey everything fine?" he asked worriedly.I answered"ya,I guess I needed someone to talk to.. but I am really sorry for disturbing you at this time"."No I couldn't sleep and theres no way you can disturb me"he said.
"As if!"I said blushing."So how did it go"he asked."How did what go?" I asked  him confused."You spoke with your parents right?"he demanded."Ya,they behaved like it was no big deal, but I have decided to let it go...wait! how did you know I will confront them today only?" I insisted.He said "I know you more than you think Radhika..hey I will catch up with you tomorrow..moms calling me,need to go,take care" ."Ohh so finally Varun Chawla returns to school tomorrow!okay,goodnight!"I joked and hung up the phone.He could make me laugh even in the darkest times.Was he just a friend for me?Before I could think more about it,I was deep asleep.

They say new mornings mean new beginings,today I totally felt it.I woke up, had breakfast and went to school wishing mom good morning.I was happy to see her shocked expression to see me calm.I told Debika evrything about my parents.She felt bad as she couldn't be there yesterday,but I reminded her how I will always need her.I did not say anything about Varun..maybe cause I neded time to think about it.

The moment Varun entered the class,Prithvi started taunting him.Instead of answering back,he smiled towards me.And our classes started...it was a very hectic day with heaps of homeworks,assignments.While returning home with Debika and others,Savy asked"Is there something going between you and Chawla?".I was suprised by her sudden question.I replied "no,why?"."No I saw him smiling at you today,hes totally into you"she said.I did not know how to respond but we reached my home,so I simply waved them bye and came home.Then a message flashed in my cel "Wanna tell you something important..can you meet me tomorrow evening after school by the lake?".It was from Varun.I replied "ya sure".

This was different.I was excited yet scared.Suddenly,I felt everything changed and since a child I have not been a fan of changes.What if he didn't like me?what if he did?and if he did what would I tell him?could it destroy our friendship?I was more confused than ever.And only one person could help me:DEBIKA. 

13."Family Affair"

My Deary,
Today I woke up by the sudden fight in my house.I  heard my mom saying "you cant have full right on her".Then I heard my dad shouting"YES I CAN!".I immediately went to their room and found them shouting at the top of their voices.I asked Mohan kaka about it.He said he heard them talking about divorce.I felt shattered.I was confused whether I should be upset about the divorce or the fact that none of them cared enough to tell me.I needed fresh air to think about it.

At school people were busy gossiping about the hot news of Varun being Prithvi's half brother.At first I thought Varun would be angry with me since the news got out after he told me the truth.But then Debika told me how Prithvi has been badmouthing things about Varun.I wondered what could be his sudden problem with Varun.Debika asked me if anything was wrong.I decided not to tell anyone,even Debika till I speak to my parents.Varun skipped school that day.Rest of the day passed pretty quickly.I expected to talk to mom and dad after dinner but turned out they were already home.To my shock,they were still fighting.This was the limit,I had to go and  talk to them."Look you can have the house,50% of the shares or anything but not her" pleaded mom.I felt sorry for her and for a moment realised how much they loved me.But I wanted them know it was my decision to choose my legal guardian."No I just want full ownership on her,you can have the shares and Radhika too" retorted dad.They were not fighting over me but their company.They least cared about me."Oh cmon I only want 50% of it and Radhika has always been fond of you so you keep her" said Mom."What kind of a mother are you?" asked dad."The one I have always been,and don't you blame me,I never wanted to have her" wearied mom.That was it.I could not hear anymore.This was the last thing a daughter would want to hear.She never wanted me.

I went out near the lake where I went when dad left  for his work or when mom ignored me for days.This place has always been with me in my bad times.Now I could understand why she never bothered about me.Suddenly a voice said" don't give up,think of the reason why you stayed so long".I knew the voice very well.But I was in no mood to talk to him.So I said "go away Varun"."Its okay if you don't want to share,but let me sit here atleast ",he answered.We kept staring at the lake for quite some time.Then I told him everything about my parents."hey!atleast now you know it was not your fault that she never cared for you" he said.It was the truth,I did not realize it yet that no matter how hard I tried to make them love me,they just wouldn't because they were were not the perfect parents ,not me.It was not my fault.

The worst kind of guilt is to accept unearned guilt and for the first time I wasn't feeling burdened with it anymore.