18. "Time to let go"

My Deary,

Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go.

I know its been a very long time so here's what happened since my last entry:
Debika and Arjun are together finally.Well,we all knew they will end up together so no surprise there..Cheryl moved to Pune and Varun is still hell bent on ignoring me. Lastly mom and dad decided to give their marriage a chance..and I don't know how I feel about that.
This last few months has been very tough for me..I got to know more about dad..or lets say know him.He's often drunk these days and all the time mentally abusing both me and mom, cutting on all our necessary expenses, commenting on everything I do which led to me breaking down in school.FYI,I hate crying in public but I just couldn't help it.When I asked mom , she said he was always like this since he was always out due to work, I never noticed.I feel really guilty now cause deep down I know mom is still trying to work this marriage for me.This is not fair to her, being with a person who's trying to control your every move , emotionally draining you all the time.

This is it.I have to tell mom to go ahead with divorce.She was right, she can be in a relationship which is killing her inside.I know its gonna be tough when I see others perfect family but who am I kidding? I never had a perfect family, childhood or life.

Its time I stop pretending and let go.I had fought to hold on and now I have to fight to let go.I know Change is never easy but its unfair to me or mom to keep trying to justify why we are holding onto this toxicity.I am LETTING GO of "the perfect family" I thought I had.

17. "Happy times"

My Deary,

We should never be discouraged or disheartened by wretched times,desolate and dejected moments,because the best thing about all these pernicious parts of our life is that they will end someday and in that process they will make us realize the real worth of happiness...

After getting a taste of the real,harsh world,I decided to be a little serious about my life.So today I chose to stay home and study.Mom and Dad went to Delhi for a conference and I was all alone in my house.I kept my phone switched off.Today no facebook or whatsapp could stop me from achieving my goal and i did study a lot.It was in the evening when I heard a knock on the door.Its usually (or should I say all time when there's a knock on the door in spite of having a bell to ring) Arjun but today I was sure its not.But OMG,its HIM!!!!"Get lost fatty" was all I wanted to say but somehow I ended up saying,"Hey what's up?",in front of him..."and "I miss you like anything I love so much and be mine forever",in my head."Where the hell were you Debu??? what happened to your phone??You literally scared me,damn,I got so worried...",he started screaming.And I kept on staring at him."Anyways,get ready fast".I was confused,"For what?"."Now don't tell me you forgot",he gave me his adorable detective like look and I felt like kissing him right then :P I started thinking of every possibility.Did I forget my own bday??No way...umm not even Arjun's..."RADHIKA",I shouted."What??!!",he looked confused."Listen,its Dolly Didi's Sangeet tonight,so get ready fast",he pulled my cheeks(Blush blush)."Oh shit oh shit oh shit",I started jumping,"How will I get ready?? I Have nothing to wear and now I'm looking so terrible",I started panicking."Calm down Debu and close your eyes",he said softly cupping my face."Okayyyy....".He took my hand and put something on it."Woww..",I was almost in tears.It was a beige lehenga with red border,"SO BEAUTIFUL...",I was stunned."Your mom sent this specially for me??",I asked."No dummy,I bought it for you...for being a lucky charm to me".I couldn't help but hug him.He clenched me so tightly as if all he needed was me.I felt so loved and wanted.He didn't let me go and nor did I.For a moment I completely forgot about Cheryl,all I knew was this person belongs to me and he is mine,just mine,all rights reserved!!! "Sorry I'm late",Radhika's voice got us back to senses.She was in a blue lehenga and looking beautiful as ever."Whats going on?",I demanded."Arjun called me to get your hair and make up done.We all know how useless you are",She teased."HAHA,very funny.I'll be highly obliged if you do the honor quickly",I said sarcastically.And I was ready in no time.
Arjun kept on staring at me and said,"Radhika do you have a ring or something?"
"Huh??!!",we both were confused."Because if I don't propose this stunning woman right now then someone else will do it tonight..Debika..you have no idea how beautiful you are..."."I know I know.Now lets go Mr. Romeo or else we will be really late",we giggled.
We spent the entire evening dancing,eating,and talking about every good thing in life.No Cheryl,no drama,only love,friendship and a really good time.

So now I know life will be full of ups and downs and if we can take everything positively then this earth is a wonderful place to live on.

16. "Stay Strong"

My Deary,

Sometimes when we are very close to somebody and suddenly they start moving out from our way and everything becomes really difficult to manage,we realize how much we were dependent on that person and how miserable we can get when that person is not with us.But if we see it from the positive side,maybe this is God's way of teaching us to be self dependent and be strong enough to handle every situation alone.

FLASHBACK(The diary was with Radhika all the time,so couldn't write what was going on after I started falling for him...)

I started out my day with the thought of 'stay alone,stay strong' and somehow it made me feel better after so many horrible days of my life.Yes,Arjun is very much ignoring me!!!Its like I'm running after him and hes not even bothered to turn back and look at me.I understand he's an important part of school and I am not,so I'll better leave these busy people alone.Radhika is having some serious issues with her parents which I have no idea of so I don't want to bother her with my problem.I wish she knew how miserable I am and how much i need her...
And today the worst that I expected happened.Arjun is dating that mini botoxy and what's even worse??I got to know it from a junior!!!Pathetic!!this was the last thing I expected from him.No,I am not talking like a heartbroken admirer.This is what a best friend says..(If I ever was..) and now that we are not in good terms with each other(well I hate to say this),he looks even hotter!!
So what!!Even I have a lot of admirers.I can date anybody I want. Umm okay,this Vikram again asked me out(hes so shameless) and I've decided to go with him."NO NO,this is not any silly attempt to make Arjun jealous nor am I forcing myself",I tried to convince Savy but both of us know it is.But I have to move on and hope for a miracle to happen...

15. "This is me"

My Deary,

Be miserable or motivate yourself or do whatever has to be done,atleast it will always be your choice...and in life every single choice matters!

Its been a while but I guess I didn't wanna confront myself about the recent events in my life.
That evening Varun PROPOSED me.All I could do was be stunned at that moment.Although I knew about it earlier.I couldn't help but feel surprised. Finally when my silence was too much to bear,he said"so you don't like me?".I was still silent.I couldn't say anything, I turned away from him.But I didn't want to give him thoughts about rejection.So I told him"I need time Varun,that's all" and left.I called Debika and told her everything.Unfortunately,her phone was on speaker and Savy was with her. Savy was 100% confident about Varun. She felt I should not have missed  such an good opportunity. Debika knew I was not confident about it.She said "Varun is a great guy and we all know it ,do what you have to do,Radhika,you know better".Usually her advice used to give me direction but then I was still feeling confused.

The next day both my parents decide to ignore me as usual.I decided to bunk school that day.I knew Varun was a very genuine guy and he cared for me.But was I ready to jump into a relationship with him?!
Suddenly the  doorbell rang and there stood Anjali with a pile of notebooks.She came to give my homework.I asked her to stay for a while as we didn't catch-up since a long time.After talking to her,I realized something and knew about my decision,my choice.I asked Varun to meet me as soon as possible.

There he stood tensed up.I said "I like you,a lot..since that very first day I was paired with you for the project".He asked "but?". I hesitatingly answered "but being fond of each other is not enough for a relationship,not according to me,there has to be love".He  painfully said "and you don't love me!".I said "No..not yet but I am ready to fall in love with you,and I might in the future,but till then this can't work,I have seen Anjali and Aakash together,They broke-up cause they were never in love with each other and so are my parents!".He was still quiet."They are getting a divorce,and I still feel I don't know you enough,You alienate yourself when in pain,I can't handle that Varun,not in a relationship! but We still are friends and we never know it might be more than that in future "I said trying to justify myself."No! We can't be friends,not after this,everything has changed between us,you don't wanna be with me,fine!"he said angrily.And that has been our last interaction since a fortnight.He has been ignoring me since then.

My parents decided that I would be staying with mom.Instead of asking me,they just told me about their decision.I was sad that Varun misunderstood me completely but it was my choice atleast. I could own up to it.

Everybody must be wondering why according to me fondness,care is not enough for a relationship..cause I believe love is the one thing that keeps a person going,a relationship together,without it,we would have end-up just like Anjali and Aakash. Call me old school,but this is me!

14. "Suddenly Everything Has Changed"

My Deary,

            

Last night was a rough one since after coming back home I confronted my parents about their divorce.They acted like it should not be an issue for me.I decided not to argue further so went to my room. Obviously I couldn't sleep after it,so i decided to call Debika.She didn't pick up,hence she was asleep as it was 12.30 then.I called Varun unconsciously.As soon as I realized my mistake he picked up the phone."Hey everything fine?" he asked worriedly.I answered"ya,I guess I needed someone to talk to.. but I am really sorry for disturbing you at this time"."No I couldn't sleep and theres no way you can disturb me"he said.
"As if!"I said blushing."So how did it go"he asked."How did what go?" I asked  him confused."You spoke with your parents right?"he demanded."Ya,they behaved like it was no big deal, but I have decided to let it go...wait! how did you know I will confront them today only?" I insisted.He said "I know you more than you think Radhika..hey I will catch up with you tomorrow..moms calling me,need to go,take care" ."Ohh so finally Varun Chawla returns to school tomorrow!okay,goodnight!"I joked and hung up the phone.He could make me laugh even in the darkest times.Was he just a friend for me?Before I could think more about it,I was deep asleep.

They say new mornings mean new beginings,today I totally felt it.I woke up, had breakfast and went to school wishing mom good morning.I was happy to see her shocked expression to see me calm.I told Debika evrything about my parents.She felt bad as she couldn't be there yesterday,but I reminded her how I will always need her.I did not say anything about Varun..maybe cause I neded time to think about it.

The moment Varun entered the class,Prithvi started taunting him.Instead of answering back,he smiled towards me.And our classes started...it was a very hectic day with heaps of homeworks,assignments.While returning home with Debika and others,Savy asked"Is there something going between you and Chawla?".I was suprised by her sudden question.I replied "no,why?"."No I saw him smiling at you today,hes totally into you"she said.I did not know how to respond but we reached my home,so I simply waved them bye and came home.Then a message flashed in my cel "Wanna tell you something important..can you meet me tomorrow evening after school by the lake?".It was from Varun.I replied "ya sure".

This was different.I was excited yet scared.Suddenly,I felt everything changed and since a child I have not been a fan of changes.What if he didn't like me?what if he did?and if he did what would I tell him?could it destroy our friendship?I was more confused than ever.And only one person could help me:DEBIKA. 

13."Family Affair"

My Deary,
Today I woke up by the sudden fight in my house.I  heard my mom saying "you cant have full right on her".Then I heard my dad shouting"YES I CAN!".I immediately went to their room and found them shouting at the top of their voices.I asked Mohan kaka about it.He said he heard them talking about divorce.I felt shattered.I was confused whether I should be upset about the divorce or the fact that none of them cared enough to tell me.I needed fresh air to think about it.

At school people were busy gossiping about the hot news of Varun being Prithvi's half brother.At first I thought Varun would be angry with me since the news got out after he told me the truth.But then Debika told me how Prithvi has been badmouthing things about Varun.I wondered what could be his sudden problem with Varun.Debika asked me if anything was wrong.I decided not to tell anyone,even Debika till I speak to my parents.Varun skipped school that day.Rest of the day passed pretty quickly.I expected to talk to mom and dad after dinner but turned out they were already home.To my shock,they were still fighting.This was the limit,I had to go and  talk to them."Look you can have the house,50% of the shares or anything but not her" pleaded mom.I felt sorry for her and for a moment realised how much they loved me.But I wanted them know it was my decision to choose my legal guardian."No I just want full ownership on her,you can have the shares and Radhika too" retorted dad.They were not fighting over me but their company.They least cared about me."Oh cmon I only want 50% of it and Radhika has always been fond of you so you keep her" said Mom."What kind of a mother are you?" asked dad."The one I have always been,and don't you blame me,I never wanted to have her" wearied mom.That was it.I could not hear anymore.This was the last thing a daughter would want to hear.She never wanted me.

I went out near the lake where I went when dad left  for his work or when mom ignored me for days.This place has always been with me in my bad times.Now I could understand why she never bothered about me.Suddenly a voice said" don't give up,think of the reason why you stayed so long".I knew the voice very well.But I was in no mood to talk to him.So I said "go away Varun"."Its okay if you don't want to share,but let me sit here atleast ",he answered.We kept staring at the lake for quite some time.Then I told him everything about my parents."hey!atleast now you know it was not your fault that she never cared for you" he said.It was the truth,I did not realize it yet that no matter how hard I tried to make them love me,they just wouldn't because they were were not the perfect parents ,not me.It was not my fault.

The worst kind of guilt is to accept unearned guilt and for the first time I wasn't feeling burdened with it anymore.

12."Living in the fantasy world..and getting out of it!!"

My Deary,

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what Savy and Radhika taunt me all the time.Yes,like how will it be if Arjun and I were...eh..you know..together,as a couple.Okay okay I know its funny and pathetic as well.But if I see from the positive side we know each other since we were kids.I know everything about him.We have grown up together,seen each other in bad times,breaking down and getting up again,know each others strength and weaknesses and still manage to love each other unconditionally.Well,if I quote Savy,"Oh c'mon he's so cute and tall,he's one of the hottest guys of school.He's smart,talented and he cares about you so much and just think all the girls will be envious of you.You both would be the most popular couple in school and the best part is you both will have 'Benjabi' children with your eyes and his nose..a sexy combination." And I couldn't help but blush.Something is seriously wrong with me.This is so freaking awkward!!I mean I shouldn't be thinking like this.We both are best friends and that's it....or hopefully it is so.

Well I'm getting all confused now.Though today in school Arjun so behaving so weird.I mean he was sort of ignoring us or maybe only me.He didn't even say hi to me properly.He was busy the whole day and mostly with Cheryl.He didn't meet me in the break-time as well.I cooked some fish fries and brought them specially for him.He should have tasted atleast.I was feeling very bad.He's the school captain and needs to do a lot of work but then the free time he gets he should spend with us and not with the mini botoxy.Maybe I'm thinking too much,maybe something is wrong with me only..specially the blushing part.He did look surprised and his reaction wasn't pleasing at all.So before anything goes wrong I have to learn to control myself.So from tomorrow I'll be back to normal because sometimes getting into your fantasy world is very harmful.You always need to keep in touch with the reality.So I'll suppress all the changes taking place inside me and hope that they eventually fade away.

11." We all fall down"

My Deary,

Every morning we wake up with some agendas or pledges.Some promise to keep up their strength,some to crush other's dreams while some simply wish the day to easily pass.I promise today to be happy no matter what.

Dad was back from Toronto.I could not be happier and I rushed to hug him but he turned away.Something seemed wrong so I asked "Whats up dad?".He turned away from me and replied "I'm really tired right now,I need some sleep" and went to his room.This was quite unusual.Dad was the only person in my family I could rely on.Well maybe he was tired orelse why would he ignore me?!
Naina called us as she had something important to share with us.Apparently her universe revolved around Prithvi.So it has to be  about any other special thing he did for her.It was getting irritating now.All we know about Prithvi is he is Naina's  "perfect boyfriend" and was a part of the school's football team.
I told Debika about my dad's absurd behaviour.She felt I was over thinking about it.Maybe she was right.On the other hand she seemed a bit lost.I knew she was worried about Arjun as he was spending a lot of time with cheryl.I was pretty sure Debika liked Arjun but she didn't realise it yet.Anjalie was busy with her sketches as usual.She is indeed a very talented visual artist. I asked Akash about Varun.He told me Varun was fine.He and Varun are really good friends. And  Varun finally  came to school today.I called and asked about his mom everyday.Before I could talk to him class started.

After class I asked him"Hey!how have you been?your mom's better now right?".He replied with a boyish grin,"Yeah! chill,you seem more worried than me and I forgot how was the project?"."We got an A so I think we did fine and all thanks to you", said I.He said teasingly,"No it was all you,but we make hell of a team huh?".Suddenly Prithvi came out of nowhere and said mockingly,"Hey! I heard about your mom,hope she gets well soon orelse it would be tough for you people to pay the hospital bills,won't it?!".Varun was very angry  and upset.He left the classroom completely ignoring me.Maybe today is "World's Ignorance Day".

I joined others in the canteen later.Debika asked me what was wrong.But I could not say anything as I did not know myself.I asked her if she was fine and she she acted as if she couldn't be happier."Don't act in front of me ,I know you are a mahan 'debi' but not with me" I said."Arre I m fine just a bit worried that Arjun is forgetting us for that bitch",she blabbered."By us you mean you right?",I demanded.She answered "What? no don't start Again hes just a friend.".I did not want to talk about it more cause that would make her more upset.I spotted Varun leaving school campus abruptly.I had to go after him and ask him what was the matter with him.I stopped him and asked," Whats wrong with you? one moment you are talking to me the other moment you pretend I'm invisible! what is the problem Varun? tell me atleast!".He responded, "Nothing! you wouldn't understand"."Try me then", I pleaded."Prithvi is his son and  mom is getting discharged now,so I got to go  ",he jabbered. and left. At first I could not understand by 'his' whom he meant.Then I realised Prithvi was Varun's half brother.By "his" Varun meant his dad.Yeah life is messed up for him.

 I used to complain life is only unfair with me but after knowing Varun,it makes me think how easily I surrender to  my problems. Strength does not come from success ,our struggles,hardships develop our strength.We all fall down in life someday but only a true winner has the courage to fight back.Somehow Varun gave me the inspiration to face every obstacle in my life.Now I can proudly say to my life "BRING IT ON!".

10. "Lets go insane!!"

My Deary,

Sometimes being insane and lunatic is a good option.When we follow our daily routine monotonously like a ritual,take ourselves too seriously,try to act sensibly and reasonably in every situation,we need to go out of our way and do crazy things to understand that the world is not as hard as we take it.Sometimes we should just look at ourselves in the mirror at laugh at ourselves,make fun of anything and everything around,act silly and zany because being jobless is not a bad job!!

So last night's sleepover was amazing.(Oh c'mon it had to be!!You don't get to see pictures of half-naked boys on the beach every-time you go for a sleepover!!)"Okay I give up.These are really good.But you should thank me because it was I who came up with this wonderful idea."I stood up saying this with folded hands and head held high with pride...only to get hit with a pillow."Ouch!!" and the pillow fight began...and ended too quickly as well. Savy's maid who just entered the room with a smile on her face and pastries and cold drink on a plate and left the room with an irritated expression and pastries and cold drink all over her clothes.All thanks to Ms. Savitri who hit her with a pillow.We couldn't help but laugh :P

"Girls,You know what,Prithvi booked an entire screen for us so that we both can watch our favourite movie together without any disturbance. Ain't that cute?",Naina,Savy's neighbour,started a conversation about her "super-cute","super-rich" and (no,not superman) "super-loving" boyfriend.Damn,I felt so jealous,"Aww,you are so lucky Naina.No guy has ever done anything so special for me".I confessed and instead of consoling me,she just said,"I know". Radhika spoke up,"But Debu,Arjun does everything for you and all of them are very special."

"BUT HE'S NOT A GUY" and as I said this I saw zombie like faces around me with eyes bulging out and 'haww' faced mouths.

"Oh no no,I meant he is of course a guy but not that kind,you know..',I tried to make a puppy face and relax them but their former expression was intact.

"Okay okay,he's not a gay,it's just that we are very good friends,best friends and we don't think about each other that way..umm you people getting me right?"I tried to look innocent and confused and they burst out laughing!!Pathetic people!!!(Just like me :P)

"Oh Savy,tell me,how is "your" Shantanu doing?",I teased her and simultaneously changed the topic.

"Dare you take his name in front of me and I'll push you off the terrace",Savy tried to sound angry.

"Oh,I'm scared",I said sarcastically.

"Debu,you know he's so disgusting.I don't know what the hell is wrong with him.He's such a snob. What does he think of himself!!If he wasn't Arjun's friend,I would have banged his head with a pressure cooker."

"Calm down Savy.He's not as bad as you think.Let me sort this out then you people might think of signing a peace treaty.What say?",Radhika calmed her down.

"Chuck it.You hanging out a lot with that newcomer.What's going on babes?",Savy looked curious.

"Nothing.Varun is a nice guy and we were just doing the assignment together,That's it".Practical answers are all you can expect from Ms. Radhika Ambhore Chatterjee when we are talking about love.

"Seriously?"

"yeah...and he's a sweet and caring guy as well",Radhika tried to look practical again but we just said a big 'Ohhhhhh' in unison and got back to our favourite hobby,Laughing mindlessly.

So basically last night was superb. Every-time I'm with my friends,I'm reminded that life can be so simple and beautiful,we can find everything doing nothing and be ourselves and still be unique because its not the tedious days but the crazy moments spent with the weird people called friends that we remember.

9. "Friends,a form of sanctity"

My Deary,
When everything in your life goes wrong,whatever you try to do ends up in failure,nothing works for you,every situation seems complicated,you are confused,clueless and helpless,you feel you are jinxed and a big Loser,God comes to your rescue and the form He takes is called FRIEND!!
Yesterday my assignment turned out to be a disaster!!Afterall what can you expect when your assignment partner takes you to places where usually dates take you.I guess Vikram took the word "Partner" too seriously!!For 1 whole week I had been going to restaurants,farmhouse,movie halls,private gaming zone and even a tree house and pub to complete my assignment!! And on top of that Vikram is a big showoff.Instead of working on the project he would discuss his bank balance,his cars and bikes,gaming devices,gadgets and what not."You know I don't like people touching my belongings but you can..afterall you are too special",he grinned.I felt like hitting him with those but instead I smiled back.What to do,I'm kind of shy outside my friend circle.May be this is the reason people say I'm very sweet.But the day before yesterday I finally said,"Look I want to complete my project and if you don't wish to do then I'm leaving,its already very late".He looked at his watch and said,"Oh its just 8 and by the way did you see my watch?Its a Rado,you know swiss made,last time when I went there I just picked it up randomly.Its good,isn't it?"He again smiled.But that was too much so I replied,"You know what,I've been to Switzerland,twice and I know watches are really really CHEAP there",emphasising on the word cheap and that just zipped his mouth.I called Arjun to my house and he left around 2am after helping me with the assignment.But when Botoxy asked Vikram some questions about the assignment he did not answer.He's so mean.Arjun already explained him everything but he did this.Such a Loser!
However today was one of the happy days.Early in the morning a high pitched voice shouted "DEBU" deafening everyone present in the class,"My darling,sweetheart,jaan,my shona my babu,I AM BACK!!!"We all turned around to see not so 'Abla Bharatiya Nari' (the way a typical Indian woman is addressed as) Ms. Savitri Sundari Ghosh(No its not the name of the whole village)."OMG,Savy!!" I responded with the famous girly scream "aaahhhhhh" and went running to her in a way which you can find in typical bolly movies.I hugged her and Radhika joined in."So how was Singapore?",I asked."Chuck that.This time I got a really good collection of pics on the beach,even better than yours and I can bet even Radhika will be impressed this time",she winked.(Before anybody goes under the impression that we have seriously  the talent of photography in us,let me tell you last year when I went to Paris,instead of taking photos of the beautiful city,I clicked pictures of the hot guys I was checking out and some of them I was stalking as well and later when I came back we rated the guys out of 10 :D).Radhika and I giggled and Rads commented,"You people are seriously perverts".
So now I'm leaving for the sleepover party at Savy's place and I know that things have fallen into place because I have the most special form of God that is my friends with me :D