17. "Happy times"

My Deary,

We should never be discouraged or disheartened by wretched times,desolate and dejected moments,because the best thing about all these pernicious parts of our life is that they will end someday and in that process they will make us realize the real worth of happiness...

After getting a taste of the real,harsh world,I decided to be a little serious about my life.So today I chose to stay home and study.Mom and Dad went to Delhi for a conference and I was all alone in my house.I kept my phone switched off.Today no facebook or whatsapp could stop me from achieving my goal and i did study a lot.It was in the evening when I heard a knock on the door.Its usually (or should I say all time when there's a knock on the door in spite of having a bell to ring) Arjun but today I was sure its not.But OMG,its HIM!!!!"Get lost fatty" was all I wanted to say but somehow I ended up saying,"Hey what's up?",in front of him..."and "I miss you like anything I love so much and be mine forever",in my head."Where the hell were you Debu??? what happened to your phone??You literally scared me,damn,I got so worried...",he started screaming.And I kept on staring at him."Anyways,get ready fast".I was confused,"For what?"."Now don't tell me you forgot",he gave me his adorable detective like look and I felt like kissing him right then :P I started thinking of every possibility.Did I forget my own bday??No way...umm not even Arjun's..."RADHIKA",I shouted."What??!!",he looked confused."Listen,its Dolly Didi's Sangeet tonight,so get ready fast",he pulled my cheeks(Blush blush)."Oh shit oh shit oh shit",I started jumping,"How will I get ready?? I Have nothing to wear and now I'm looking so terrible",I started panicking."Calm down Debu and close your eyes",he said softly cupping my face."Okayyyy....".He took my hand and put something on it."Woww..",I was almost in tears.It was a beige lehenga with red border,"SO BEAUTIFUL...",I was stunned."Your mom sent this specially for me??",I asked."No dummy,I bought it for you...for being a lucky charm to me".I couldn't help but hug him.He clenched me so tightly as if all he needed was me.I felt so loved and wanted.He didn't let me go and nor did I.For a moment I completely forgot about Cheryl,all I knew was this person belongs to me and he is mine,just mine,all rights reserved!!! "Sorry I'm late",Radhika's voice got us back to senses.She was in a blue lehenga and looking beautiful as ever."Whats going on?",I demanded."Arjun called me to get your hair and make up done.We all know how useless you are",She teased."HAHA,very funny.I'll be highly obliged if you do the honor quickly",I said sarcastically.And I was ready in no time.
Arjun kept on staring at me and said,"Radhika do you have a ring or something?"
"Huh??!!",we both were confused."Because if I don't propose this stunning woman right now then someone else will do it tonight..Debika..you have no idea how beautiful you are..."."I know I know.Now lets go Mr. Romeo or else we will be really late",we giggled.
We spent the entire evening dancing,eating,and talking about every good thing in life.No Cheryl,no drama,only love,friendship and a really good time.

So now I know life will be full of ups and downs and if we can take everything positively then this earth is a wonderful place to live on.

16. "Stay Strong"

My Deary,

Sometimes when we are very close to somebody and suddenly they start moving out from our way and everything becomes really difficult to manage,we realize how much we were dependent on that person and how miserable we can get when that person is not with us.But if we see it from the positive side,maybe this is God's way of teaching us to be self dependent and be strong enough to handle every situation alone.

FLASHBACK(The diary was with Radhika all the time,so couldn't write what was going on after I started falling for him...)

I started out my day with the thought of 'stay alone,stay strong' and somehow it made me feel better after so many horrible days of my life.Yes,Arjun is very much ignoring me!!!Its like I'm running after him and hes not even bothered to turn back and look at me.I understand he's an important part of school and I am not,so I'll better leave these busy people alone.Radhika is having some serious issues with her parents which I have no idea of so I don't want to bother her with my problem.I wish she knew how miserable I am and how much i need her...
And today the worst that I expected happened.Arjun is dating that mini botoxy and what's even worse??I got to know it from a junior!!!Pathetic!!this was the last thing I expected from him.No,I am not talking like a heartbroken admirer.This is what a best friend says..(If I ever was..) and now that we are not in good terms with each other(well I hate to say this),he looks even hotter!!
So what!!Even I have a lot of admirers.I can date anybody I want. Umm okay,this Vikram again asked me out(hes so shameless) and I've decided to go with him."NO NO,this is not any silly attempt to make Arjun jealous nor am I forcing myself",I tried to convince Savy but both of us know it is.But I have to move on and hope for a miracle to happen...

15. "This is me"

My Deary,

Be miserable or motivate yourself or do whatever has to be done,atleast it will always be your choice...and in life every single choice matters!

Its been a while but I guess I didn't wanna confront myself about the recent events in my life.
That evening Varun PROPOSED me.All I could do was be stunned at that moment.Although I knew about it earlier.I couldn't help but feel surprised. Finally when my silence was too much to bear,he said"so you don't like me?".I was still silent.I couldn't say anything, I turned away from him.But I didn't want to give him thoughts about rejection.So I told him"I need time Varun,that's all" and left.I called Debika and told her everything.Unfortunately,her phone was on speaker and Savy was with her. Savy was 100% confident about Varun. She felt I should not have missed  such an good opportunity. Debika knew I was not confident about it.She said "Varun is a great guy and we all know it ,do what you have to do,Radhika,you know better".Usually her advice used to give me direction but then I was still feeling confused.

The next day both my parents decide to ignore me as usual.I decided to bunk school that day.I knew Varun was a very genuine guy and he cared for me.But was I ready to jump into a relationship with him?!
Suddenly the  doorbell rang and there stood Anjali with a pile of notebooks.She came to give my homework.I asked her to stay for a while as we didn't catch-up since a long time.After talking to her,I realized something and knew about my decision,my choice.I asked Varun to meet me as soon as possible.

There he stood tensed up.I said "I like you,a lot..since that very first day I was paired with you for the project".He asked "but?". I hesitatingly answered "but being fond of each other is not enough for a relationship,not according to me,there has to be love".He  painfully said "and you don't love me!".I said "No..not yet but I am ready to fall in love with you,and I might in the future,but till then this can't work,I have seen Anjali and Aakash together,They broke-up cause they were never in love with each other and so are my parents!".He was still quiet."They are getting a divorce,and I still feel I don't know you enough,You alienate yourself when in pain,I can't handle that Varun,not in a relationship! but We still are friends and we never know it might be more than that in future "I said trying to justify myself."No! We can't be friends,not after this,everything has changed between us,you don't wanna be with me,fine!"he said angrily.And that has been our last interaction since a fortnight.He has been ignoring me since then.

My parents decided that I would be staying with mom.Instead of asking me,they just told me about their decision.I was sad that Varun misunderstood me completely but it was my choice atleast. I could own up to it.

Everybody must be wondering why according to me fondness,care is not enough for a relationship..cause I believe love is the one thing that keeps a person going,a relationship together,without it,we would have end-up just like Anjali and Aakash. Call me old school,but this is me!

14. "Suddenly Everything Has Changed"

My Deary,

            

Last night was a rough one since after coming back home I confronted my parents about their divorce.They acted like it should not be an issue for me.I decided not to argue further so went to my room. Obviously I couldn't sleep after it,so i decided to call Debika.She didn't pick up,hence she was asleep as it was 12.30 then.I called Varun unconsciously.As soon as I realized my mistake he picked up the phone."Hey everything fine?" he asked worriedly.I answered"ya,I guess I needed someone to talk to.. but I am really sorry for disturbing you at this time"."No I couldn't sleep and theres no way you can disturb me"he said.
"As if!"I said blushing."So how did it go"he asked."How did what go?" I asked  him confused."You spoke with your parents right?"he demanded."Ya,they behaved like it was no big deal, but I have decided to let it go...wait! how did you know I will confront them today only?" I insisted.He said "I know you more than you think Radhika..hey I will catch up with you tomorrow..moms calling me,need to go,take care" ."Ohh so finally Varun Chawla returns to school tomorrow!okay,goodnight!"I joked and hung up the phone.He could make me laugh even in the darkest times.Was he just a friend for me?Before I could think more about it,I was deep asleep.

They say new mornings mean new beginings,today I totally felt it.I woke up, had breakfast and went to school wishing mom good morning.I was happy to see her shocked expression to see me calm.I told Debika evrything about my parents.She felt bad as she couldn't be there yesterday,but I reminded her how I will always need her.I did not say anything about Varun..maybe cause I neded time to think about it.

The moment Varun entered the class,Prithvi started taunting him.Instead of answering back,he smiled towards me.And our classes started...it was a very hectic day with heaps of homeworks,assignments.While returning home with Debika and others,Savy asked"Is there something going between you and Chawla?".I was suprised by her sudden question.I replied "no,why?"."No I saw him smiling at you today,hes totally into you"she said.I did not know how to respond but we reached my home,so I simply waved them bye and came home.Then a message flashed in my cel "Wanna tell you something important..can you meet me tomorrow evening after school by the lake?".It was from Varun.I replied "ya sure".

This was different.I was excited yet scared.Suddenly,I felt everything changed and since a child I have not been a fan of changes.What if he didn't like me?what if he did?and if he did what would I tell him?could it destroy our friendship?I was more confused than ever.And only one person could help me:DEBIKA. 

13."Family Affair"

My Deary,
Today I woke up by the sudden fight in my house.I  heard my mom saying "you cant have full right on her".Then I heard my dad shouting"YES I CAN!".I immediately went to their room and found them shouting at the top of their voices.I asked Mohan kaka about it.He said he heard them talking about divorce.I felt shattered.I was confused whether I should be upset about the divorce or the fact that none of them cared enough to tell me.I needed fresh air to think about it.

At school people were busy gossiping about the hot news of Varun being Prithvi's half brother.At first I thought Varun would be angry with me since the news got out after he told me the truth.But then Debika told me how Prithvi has been badmouthing things about Varun.I wondered what could be his sudden problem with Varun.Debika asked me if anything was wrong.I decided not to tell anyone,even Debika till I speak to my parents.Varun skipped school that day.Rest of the day passed pretty quickly.I expected to talk to mom and dad after dinner but turned out they were already home.To my shock,they were still fighting.This was the limit,I had to go and  talk to them."Look you can have the house,50% of the shares or anything but not her" pleaded mom.I felt sorry for her and for a moment realised how much they loved me.But I wanted them know it was my decision to choose my legal guardian."No I just want full ownership on her,you can have the shares and Radhika too" retorted dad.They were not fighting over me but their company.They least cared about me."Oh cmon I only want 50% of it and Radhika has always been fond of you so you keep her" said Mom."What kind of a mother are you?" asked dad."The one I have always been,and don't you blame me,I never wanted to have her" wearied mom.That was it.I could not hear anymore.This was the last thing a daughter would want to hear.She never wanted me.

I went out near the lake where I went when dad left  for his work or when mom ignored me for days.This place has always been with me in my bad times.Now I could understand why she never bothered about me.Suddenly a voice said" don't give up,think of the reason why you stayed so long".I knew the voice very well.But I was in no mood to talk to him.So I said "go away Varun"."Its okay if you don't want to share,but let me sit here atleast ",he answered.We kept staring at the lake for quite some time.Then I told him everything about my parents."hey!atleast now you know it was not your fault that she never cared for you" he said.It was the truth,I did not realize it yet that no matter how hard I tried to make them love me,they just wouldn't because they were were not the perfect parents ,not me.It was not my fault.

The worst kind of guilt is to accept unearned guilt and for the first time I wasn't feeling burdened with it anymore.

12."Living in the fantasy world..and getting out of it!!"

My Deary,

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what Savy and Radhika taunt me all the time.Yes,like how will it be if Arjun and I were...eh..you know..together,as a couple.Okay okay I know its funny and pathetic as well.But if I see from the positive side we know each other since we were kids.I know everything about him.We have grown up together,seen each other in bad times,breaking down and getting up again,know each others strength and weaknesses and still manage to love each other unconditionally.Well,if I quote Savy,"Oh c'mon he's so cute and tall,he's one of the hottest guys of school.He's smart,talented and he cares about you so much and just think all the girls will be envious of you.You both would be the most popular couple in school and the best part is you both will have 'Benjabi' children with your eyes and his nose..a sexy combination." And I couldn't help but blush.Something is seriously wrong with me.This is so freaking awkward!!I mean I shouldn't be thinking like this.We both are best friends and that's it....or hopefully it is so.

Well I'm getting all confused now.Though today in school Arjun so behaving so weird.I mean he was sort of ignoring us or maybe only me.He didn't even say hi to me properly.He was busy the whole day and mostly with Cheryl.He didn't meet me in the break-time as well.I cooked some fish fries and brought them specially for him.He should have tasted atleast.I was feeling very bad.He's the school captain and needs to do a lot of work but then the free time he gets he should spend with us and not with the mini botoxy.Maybe I'm thinking too much,maybe something is wrong with me only..specially the blushing part.He did look surprised and his reaction wasn't pleasing at all.So before anything goes wrong I have to learn to control myself.So from tomorrow I'll be back to normal because sometimes getting into your fantasy world is very harmful.You always need to keep in touch with the reality.So I'll suppress all the changes taking place inside me and hope that they eventually fade away.

11." We all fall down"

My Deary,

Every morning we wake up with some agendas or pledges.Some promise to keep up their strength,some to crush other's dreams while some simply wish the day to easily pass.I promise today to be happy no matter what.

Dad was back from Toronto.I could not be happier and I rushed to hug him but he turned away.Something seemed wrong so I asked "Whats up dad?".He turned away from me and replied "I'm really tired right now,I need some sleep" and went to his room.This was quite unusual.Dad was the only person in my family I could rely on.Well maybe he was tired orelse why would he ignore me?!
Naina called us as she had something important to share with us.Apparently her universe revolved around Prithvi.So it has to be  about any other special thing he did for her.It was getting irritating now.All we know about Prithvi is he is Naina's  "perfect boyfriend" and was a part of the school's football team.
I told Debika about my dad's absurd behaviour.She felt I was over thinking about it.Maybe she was right.On the other hand she seemed a bit lost.I knew she was worried about Arjun as he was spending a lot of time with cheryl.I was pretty sure Debika liked Arjun but she didn't realise it yet.Anjalie was busy with her sketches as usual.She is indeed a very talented visual artist. I asked Akash about Varun.He told me Varun was fine.He and Varun are really good friends. And  Varun finally  came to school today.I called and asked about his mom everyday.Before I could talk to him class started.

After class I asked him"Hey!how have you been?your mom's better now right?".He replied with a boyish grin,"Yeah! chill,you seem more worried than me and I forgot how was the project?"."We got an A so I think we did fine and all thanks to you", said I.He said teasingly,"No it was all you,but we make hell of a team huh?".Suddenly Prithvi came out of nowhere and said mockingly,"Hey! I heard about your mom,hope she gets well soon orelse it would be tough for you people to pay the hospital bills,won't it?!".Varun was very angry  and upset.He left the classroom completely ignoring me.Maybe today is "World's Ignorance Day".

I joined others in the canteen later.Debika asked me what was wrong.But I could not say anything as I did not know myself.I asked her if she was fine and she she acted as if she couldn't be happier."Don't act in front of me ,I know you are a mahan 'debi' but not with me" I said."Arre I m fine just a bit worried that Arjun is forgetting us for that bitch",she blabbered."By us you mean you right?",I demanded.She answered "What? no don't start Again hes just a friend.".I did not want to talk about it more cause that would make her more upset.I spotted Varun leaving school campus abruptly.I had to go after him and ask him what was the matter with him.I stopped him and asked," Whats wrong with you? one moment you are talking to me the other moment you pretend I'm invisible! what is the problem Varun? tell me atleast!".He responded, "Nothing! you wouldn't understand"."Try me then", I pleaded."Prithvi is his son and  mom is getting discharged now,so I got to go  ",he jabbered. and left. At first I could not understand by 'his' whom he meant.Then I realised Prithvi was Varun's half brother.By "his" Varun meant his dad.Yeah life is messed up for him.

 I used to complain life is only unfair with me but after knowing Varun,it makes me think how easily I surrender to  my problems. Strength does not come from success ,our struggles,hardships develop our strength.We all fall down in life someday but only a true winner has the courage to fight back.Somehow Varun gave me the inspiration to face every obstacle in my life.Now I can proudly say to my life "BRING IT ON!".

10. "Lets go insane!!"

My Deary,

Sometimes being insane and lunatic is a good option.When we follow our daily routine monotonously like a ritual,take ourselves too seriously,try to act sensibly and reasonably in every situation,we need to go out of our way and do crazy things to understand that the world is not as hard as we take it.Sometimes we should just look at ourselves in the mirror at laugh at ourselves,make fun of anything and everything around,act silly and zany because being jobless is not a bad job!!

So last night's sleepover was amazing.(Oh c'mon it had to be!!You don't get to see pictures of half-naked boys on the beach every-time you go for a sleepover!!)"Okay I give up.These are really good.But you should thank me because it was I who came up with this wonderful idea."I stood up saying this with folded hands and head held high with pride...only to get hit with a pillow."Ouch!!" and the pillow fight began...and ended too quickly as well. Savy's maid who just entered the room with a smile on her face and pastries and cold drink on a plate and left the room with an irritated expression and pastries and cold drink all over her clothes.All thanks to Ms. Savitri who hit her with a pillow.We couldn't help but laugh :P

"Girls,You know what,Prithvi booked an entire screen for us so that we both can watch our favourite movie together without any disturbance. Ain't that cute?",Naina,Savy's neighbour,started a conversation about her "super-cute","super-rich" and (no,not superman) "super-loving" boyfriend.Damn,I felt so jealous,"Aww,you are so lucky Naina.No guy has ever done anything so special for me".I confessed and instead of consoling me,she just said,"I know". Radhika spoke up,"But Debu,Arjun does everything for you and all of them are very special."

"BUT HE'S NOT A GUY" and as I said this I saw zombie like faces around me with eyes bulging out and 'haww' faced mouths.

"Oh no no,I meant he is of course a guy but not that kind,you know..',I tried to make a puppy face and relax them but their former expression was intact.

"Okay okay,he's not a gay,it's just that we are very good friends,best friends and we don't think about each other that way..umm you people getting me right?"I tried to look innocent and confused and they burst out laughing!!Pathetic people!!!(Just like me :P)

"Oh Savy,tell me,how is "your" Shantanu doing?",I teased her and simultaneously changed the topic.

"Dare you take his name in front of me and I'll push you off the terrace",Savy tried to sound angry.

"Oh,I'm scared",I said sarcastically.

"Debu,you know he's so disgusting.I don't know what the hell is wrong with him.He's such a snob. What does he think of himself!!If he wasn't Arjun's friend,I would have banged his head with a pressure cooker."

"Calm down Savy.He's not as bad as you think.Let me sort this out then you people might think of signing a peace treaty.What say?",Radhika calmed her down.

"Chuck it.You hanging out a lot with that newcomer.What's going on babes?",Savy looked curious.

"Nothing.Varun is a nice guy and we were just doing the assignment together,That's it".Practical answers are all you can expect from Ms. Radhika Ambhore Chatterjee when we are talking about love.

"Seriously?"

"yeah...and he's a sweet and caring guy as well",Radhika tried to look practical again but we just said a big 'Ohhhhhh' in unison and got back to our favourite hobby,Laughing mindlessly.

So basically last night was superb. Every-time I'm with my friends,I'm reminded that life can be so simple and beautiful,we can find everything doing nothing and be ourselves and still be unique because its not the tedious days but the crazy moments spent with the weird people called friends that we remember.

9. "Friends,a form of sanctity"

My Deary,
When everything in your life goes wrong,whatever you try to do ends up in failure,nothing works for you,every situation seems complicated,you are confused,clueless and helpless,you feel you are jinxed and a big Loser,God comes to your rescue and the form He takes is called FRIEND!!
Yesterday my assignment turned out to be a disaster!!Afterall what can you expect when your assignment partner takes you to places where usually dates take you.I guess Vikram took the word "Partner" too seriously!!For 1 whole week I had been going to restaurants,farmhouse,movie halls,private gaming zone and even a tree house and pub to complete my assignment!! And on top of that Vikram is a big showoff.Instead of working on the project he would discuss his bank balance,his cars and bikes,gaming devices,gadgets and what not."You know I don't like people touching my belongings but you can..afterall you are too special",he grinned.I felt like hitting him with those but instead I smiled back.What to do,I'm kind of shy outside my friend circle.May be this is the reason people say I'm very sweet.But the day before yesterday I finally said,"Look I want to complete my project and if you don't wish to do then I'm leaving,its already very late".He looked at his watch and said,"Oh its just 8 and by the way did you see my watch?Its a Rado,you know swiss made,last time when I went there I just picked it up randomly.Its good,isn't it?"He again smiled.But that was too much so I replied,"You know what,I've been to Switzerland,twice and I know watches are really really CHEAP there",emphasising on the word cheap and that just zipped his mouth.I called Arjun to my house and he left around 2am after helping me with the assignment.But when Botoxy asked Vikram some questions about the assignment he did not answer.He's so mean.Arjun already explained him everything but he did this.Such a Loser!
However today was one of the happy days.Early in the morning a high pitched voice shouted "DEBU" deafening everyone present in the class,"My darling,sweetheart,jaan,my shona my babu,I AM BACK!!!"We all turned around to see not so 'Abla Bharatiya Nari' (the way a typical Indian woman is addressed as) Ms. Savitri Sundari Ghosh(No its not the name of the whole village)."OMG,Savy!!" I responded with the famous girly scream "aaahhhhhh" and went running to her in a way which you can find in typical bolly movies.I hugged her and Radhika joined in."So how was Singapore?",I asked."Chuck that.This time I got a really good collection of pics on the beach,even better than yours and I can bet even Radhika will be impressed this time",she winked.(Before anybody goes under the impression that we have seriously  the talent of photography in us,let me tell you last year when I went to Paris,instead of taking photos of the beautiful city,I clicked pictures of the hot guys I was checking out and some of them I was stalking as well and later when I came back we rated the guys out of 10 :D).Radhika and I giggled and Rads commented,"You people are seriously perverts".
So now I'm leaving for the sleepover party at Savy's place and I know that things have fallen into place because I have the most special form of God that is my friends with me :D

8."All you need is love!!"

My Deary,
Love is blind,consuming and selfish.It makes people vulnerable and often one's greatest weakness.But if love all this why does everyone try this hard  finding love?

I woke up and found a note saying "I am leaving for a conference for the next two days,dont make a mess of the house.Love Mom".This was the first time she left town without meeting me.I called her just to make sure if she had already boarded the flight or maybe just to make a converstion cause I was afraid she was drifting away from me.Picking up the phone she said"Ya i was expecting you to call,now listen don't disturb me in the meeting tomorrow,this one is vey important for the company"."Everything is important for you mom except your daughter" I replied in frustuation.She said in a irritated way"Ohh please dont make a fuss of it,if you would start acting like my daughter.,then only you would have earned my love" .I cut the phone without listening to her further.I tried to concentrate on the brighter part,today each pair for the english assignment was supposed to show their hard work or may I say the ppt.Varun did the whole ppt and I hardly contributed a bit of my mind to it.

Debika picked me up for school and soon I forgot all about mum's bitter words.As soon as I reached school I asked Varun about if the project was ready.And he said smilingly"Yeah! definitely we are going to be  the best".Now Varun and I knew each other pretty well.He lived with his separated mother.At the age of 2 years his father  left them.It was hard on them then but now life was pretty smooth for them.Suddenly he was asked to take a call from his home in princy's office. He came back to class and handing me a CD he said "I have to go.please fill me in,I know you will be fine,bye".

It took a moment for me to process everything.I was completely clueless about the presentation,how could I  talk about it in front of the whole class? Morever I was worried about him.So I went running after him and shouted"Hey,whats wrong? and I really can't do this".He immediately turned back and said"My mom needs me but I know you will be nothing but the best" and he left in a hurry.I came back to class nervously."Radhika Ambhore Chatterjee" called out botoxy.I was having a panic attack but suddenly Varun's words came to my ears and I knew I could do this and I ended doing pretty well.

I went to ask his friend about him.He said his mom was in hospital.I went to see him after school.His mom found out about his dad and his family's arrival in town and she was not feeding herself enough.So she collapsed due to low pressure.I asked him if he was fine.But knowing the kind of person he is,he will always prefer to be alone in this downfall.I stayed with him for the next 2 hours.We didn't uttter a single word.We just stared at the floor and occasionaly at each other.Finally he said "you can go,mom will be fine,she has always been a warrior,don't worry".I could see their unbreakable love and I guess this was the only thing that kept going for these years.I replied "No,I wanna stay".His mom had gained consciousness."Varun,you ok?"-this was her words when she woke up.And I left them being unnoticed in their reconcilation.

This was  love everyone talks about,be it between a child & a mother or a brother & a sister or between two lovers or two friends.Love is supposed to be unconditional,one never has to earn it ,it is overwhelming but it is the only thing that gives the strength to go through life.
I guess Debika's constant support,love and care gave me that strength.

7. "So..what is love to you?"

My Deary,
Now that life has become boring once again and nothing great to write about I've decided to write on a kind of important and yet unimportant at times or rather to some people which we were discussing today in the breaktime-Love!!
So first Radhika spoke up."For me love is something which makes one weak making the person unable to think practically and eventually leading to one's downfall.People lose themselves and when they try to find themselves again,its too late.So for me its a disease which is almost near to fatal".All paused for a while and then burst out laughing.Such a scientific answer was only expected from Radhika.But I know the real reason behind her anti-love theories.From her childhood she was always deprived of love so she always pretends to be practical about it though from inside she wishes for a "fairytale" love story.
Then it was Anjali's turn."I would agree with Radhika.It's a very negative feeling.It keeps you from doing what you wish to do,it restricts you.It takes away your freedom,it makes you weep,lament and finally a sadist.It just takes you from yourself".After breaking up with Akash,a super possessive boyfriend who had a problem with everything and doubted her for no reasons,Anjali couldn't have come up with anything better.Arjun said that it wasn't "true" love,it was just an infatuation,but making Anjali understand anything at that point of time was difficult.Krish,Arjun's cousin,who has a crush on Anjali,spoke up."Love is a special feeling.It's giving away the thing you love the most to someone else just to keep that possession  happy and you can feel happiness in the sacrifice as well.But it is the same feeling which can furiate you when your sacrifice is not worthwhile and that is the time you have to fight to get back your finest possession."Radhika gave a grinny look to me and I started giggling.
Then finally I spoke up."Love is a relative feeling.." and people started laughing."Will you fools listen to me!!" and they were quiet..listening to me or at least pretending.Actually I was kind of speaking in a serious tone,something which was so not me."So nobody knows exactly what it is.But I believe love cannot be differentiated into true or fake,love is love,that's it.Love doesnot hurt or recover,its the people who claim to be in love do so.It is a wonderful feeling which leads you to positivity making the best out of you." I was shocked to see the expression on their faces.They were all impressed,after all who was talking..haha :D
Arjun said,"Love is finding happiness in small things and the most important part of it is the friendship between the two people.It is spending time with that person no matter what insignificant thing you are doing.You fight then you make up for the fight,you try to do something which that person likes just to make her happy.Its not giving up on that person and facing every situation together.Its making every possible attempt to let that person stay."
We concluded our somehow philosophical conversation with him.Earlier whenever we talked on this topic he would say love is not his thing,flirting simply works for him."I don't need any commitments to speak my heart out,I just need you to listen to me whenever I am down." and I would say,"I regret that I told you that you can always count on me." :P and then he'll say,"I love you my bandit queen" and hug me.But today he said something entirely different.He's spending a lot of time with Cheryl and I just pray its not her because he deserves someone much better...

6. Only if it was "All's well that begins well"!!

My Deary,
The very famous proverb,"All's well that ends well",I can't relate to this all the time.Like when my exams get over and my marks are too poor,I get so dissapointed.I stop eating,stay alone,stop watching television and I start with my studies as if I am the most ardent devotee of my books which are even impossible to carry with one arm.But as time passes by,the "I'll do very well this time" feeling dissipates and finally fades away.Only if the proverb was "All's well that begins well",my life would have been the perfect one because most of the things I do,dont end well.Today was one of such days which remind me of my very own version of the proverb which sometimes makes sense and sometimes doesn't.
Radhika didn't stay for a sleep-over last night(I knew she wanted to meet her mum but denied it) so as expected,I forgot to put the alarm on(she loves my family and tries to spend maximum time with them).My books were all over my bed.Radhika was supposed to pack them!!!I rushed for school but I was late.I was going to get a big scolding from princy but my saviour,The Great Arjun Khanna,my fatty,saved me.
Soon after the break we had our literature class but I didn't want to attend.Anjali needed to talk to me.Arjun,unlike other classes was attending this one.He didn't like to miss Botoxy's classes.I don't know what's wrong with this woman.It looks like she eats botox,drinks botox,bathes,sleeps and dresses up in botox.One should see the way she smiles,PATHETIC!!! and today she was indeed smiling..yes yes some 'interestingly' stupid assignment.And to add to the stupidity,she started with another weird(but less weird than her) game where half of the class had to pick up a name from the other half written in chits.I hoped that Radhika picked my name but instead she got some Varun Chawla's name.But at least Arjun picked up my name.I was more than happy.Arjun will do everything.I'll just go to his house and watch daily soap with aunty and maybe gossip(his mother got a funny accent,well its punjabi but she speaks bengali in that accent :P)
But whoever said happy times don't last long was so correct.Botox aunty finally spoke up in her fake American accent,"Debby-kha..you will be doing with Vikram,he needs your help and Cheryl will be with Arjun".I was flabbergasted but I knew protesting will be useless.Vikram,a rich brat,goodfornothing loser who was stalking me since class 8.He must have bribed Botoxy.and yea about Cheryl,she was mini botoxy.She had a fake latin accent!!All the clowns are in our school or what!!Arjun knew that I was angry.I said,"You could have protested.Don't you understand she is trying to get her daughter married to you?!!"."no problem,she's hot",he joked but I gave a sarcastic look."Okay listen Dolly didi is getting married so if you want to attend it you have to pardon me",he warned me.He knows very well that coming from a bengali family where in the name of sophistication,the weddings are full of boredom,how much I love Punjabi weddings.Loud music,dance and food(though in this criterion,bengali cuisine is better for me),so much like me.I finally smiled."sometimes I wonder we are best friends just because you get to attend the big fat weddings",he said and we burst out laughing.But still I am in a bad mood....

5. "When it isn't like it should be"

My Deary,

"RADHIKAA!" screamed my mom at the top of her voice interrupting my beautiful dream.I opened my eyes and saw her standing with her usual deadpan expression."Don't you have school to go? c'mon get up,don't waste my time".I said"Oh! so you remember you have a daughter mom? anyway what brings you to my room leaving all your important work"."Now please don't start your melodrama! I just came to inform you I am going to Mumbai for a conference meeting and would return tomorrow,Mohan will be here to help you"she said and left my room.Usually people miss their parents in these occasions but I didn't as it made no difference to me.Dad worked out of town most of the time and mom in her 'busy' life gave me no chance to know them.Mohan kaka played a great role in my life as he had always been there for me since I was an infant.I started out as being quiet,shy,introvert,scared loner but I soon  realized I had to be the opposite to face this tough mean world.Becoming one of the most popular girls in school was easy but finding true friends was a difficult task for me.Debika,my closest friend never let me realize the absence of a family.At first I was jealous of her as she had the most loving family who knew how to find hapiness even in most difficult times  but how could I be jealous of someone whom I loved the most and now I was considered a part of  this spirited family.I sometimes wonder if there is a motherly concern behind my mom's bitter words,if my parents could also give me love with money.I stopped my train of thoughts as soon as I saw  the clock ,7.30 it was and there was no way I could miss school that day as Anjali(one of my good friends) needed me .I somehow managed to reach school on time.At first I thought it must be tough for Anjali to break a relationship  of  three long years but Anjali and Aakash  never really  were so much in love or passionate for each other.I knew them both very well,they fought  day & night ,and later talked to each other just for the sake of their relationship.They both were more happy now.Maybe Everything does happen for a reason.

I along with my friends were gossiping about our juniors in the canteen,suddenly I felt someone was watching me.I looked around and caught a guy staring.He immediately started talking with his friend.I was suprised that I did not know him or his friend as I thought I knew everyone in the school."Never mind! must be  newbies" I thought to myself.We were chatting in the class before our english teacher BOTOX QUEEN(short form:botoxy) came,miraclously.I saw  that same guy with his friend entering my class.I wondered how could he be in my class.Botoxy came with an inscrutable look and we all knew what it meant.She was upto some "interesting" assignment.Half of the class was made to write their names on a piece of paper and the rest was supposed to pick those sheets as to decide the partners for the next assignment.I was waiting and hoping for one of my friends to be my partner.Unfortunately,it was that same guy and his name was Varun Chawla.I fought with my mom early morning and  was supposed to do a project on a clueless topic with a complete stranger who is supposedly in my class but never existed before today.The day was getting worse by minute and I just wished to get done with this unlucky day....

4. The prelude of a never ending solidarity :D

My Deary,
There's a famous quote "U can't decide who your family members or relatives will be,its upto God but you have the total liberty to choose your friends.So choose them wisely".But on the contrary  when I got her,wisdom was an unknown term and applying it was out of question(though I don't claim I apply it now :P).I didn't know what friendship was.First day in kindergarten,I was excited,she was scared,I was looking around and found her crying in one of the corners where she was seated.Without thinking anything I went to her and gave her a piece of the chocolate that Daddy bribed me so that I behave like a good girl in school.(oh come on we were only 4 then).She took the chocolate but didn't utter a word.In those days eating tiffin among a bunch of people who looked like me but seemed like aliens was very scary and the break time was the most boring part of school(but its just the opposite now,we finish tiffin even before the break starts and during the break,we get busy cracking cheap jokes!!! :D).I had to sit with a round and fat ball of mass,Arjun,a total bully who pinched me during classes.I would give him an annoyed look but he would only grin with his cheeks all red.A few days later,we were all playing in the field when the fatty acid suddenly pushed me from behind and I fell down.I cried out in pain.When I looked back I saw that girl started beating him with a twig and in seeing a partner to help me I joined in.We three had to hold our ears and stand outside the class.I didn't know that I was supposed to say "Thank you" instead I asked her one of the few things I had learnt recently,"What you name?".Raa..dee..kaaww...she stammered and from that day Radhika and I started sitting together,then only in class and now in movie halls,cars,trains,buses,flights,tuitions,parlours and everywhere.Yes we are the "best friends for more than forever".It started with a piece of chocolate and now from shoes to clothes,crushes to stalkers,gloomy times to fun times,heart breaks to heart attacks,punishments to awards,crying to laughing,falling down to getting up,WE SHARE EVERY LITTLE THING!!! and now that she knows about the diary thing,I don't know it was the pink cover or the 'self-discovery' thoughts...yes,you guessed it right,I have to share this as well!! :P I know its so weird but this is the most special thing about our friendship.So this diary will be written by two people who have vowed to take every step together and be with each other in every journey..and this writing a diary is no less than a journey.So let me introduce her.She is a soft-spoken reserved girl,a natural beauty,simple and elegant,sober but a full on lunatic,a mixture of pragmatism and idealism...she is the perfect bestie!!!
And yeah if you are wondering what happened to the fatty acid,he is no more fat,he has abs now,he's the hotty in school with all the bimbos after him,he is the school captain and loved by all and what is worse?? He is our best friend!!!!

3. Up close and personal!!

My Deary,
Fish at every meal,Rabindra sangeet at the functions,Mohun Bagan in the field,Roshogolla (not rasgulla) in the plate,I'm Debika Roy,yes a bong.
Things that define me follow:
1)I'm a seventeen year old school going kid...girl...a big girl.
2)I'm fond of talking but I keep quiet when I eavesdrop into hot gossips.
3)I'm a big foodie..and what..I'm thin!!! Genetics..sometimes not a good stuff but at least it makes others jealous B-D
4)a mind full of crushes and among them a few special ones to bug my mind when I'm not doing anything and even more when I'm trying to do something!!
5)the best gift from God,a bunch of lovely friends who patiently listen to my nuisance(again and again) without complaining.
There are three versions of me,
for the strangers,the rude,egoistic chick
for friends,a nice and sweet girl
and for my best friends,a species who is blessed with all sorts of mental disorders!!!


Well now if I start talking about my hobbies,in the formal sense I have none but otherwise eating,watching daily soaps and the real desi movies,crying,laughing,kidding,item dancing(in private) :P,screaming,day dreaming,checking out hot guys and yet to give a good impession,sometimes studying!!
Now lets go to the talent section(assuming that God was busy with something else when he had to gift me a special talent):
I give philosophical advice to each and everyone but when it comes to my own problems,I'm clueless.
I don't sing but when I do(and not only inside the bathroom),people stop their work and look at me :D..just to say SHUT UP!!! :P
I never went to an acting school and yet people call me drama queen!!
I talk a lot but I don't debate.
I'm a so-called bong nerd in school and a vella outside it..:D
Well I might sound too cool but in actual it is not so.This wild side of me is only known to my friends.I'm a shy underconfident girl who has big dreams though don't know how to achieve them,I believe in fairy tales and ideal love stories,just like any other girl i feel trapped in my world where escapism seems the best option.
I'm not perfect but yea I'm unique(perfect people don't exist,do they?)
I make mistakes,I get nervous,I feel weak,I lose myself and with these flaws my story begins....

2. An Ego Boost!!

My Deary,
"He loves me or I'm just a friend for him,that bright yellow dress or old blue jeans,the glittery high heels or a cute beige ballerina,hand bag or school bag,straight hair or wavy..."from our hair pin to the tip of our heels we are always confused and that is the reason we are special..a species which,when unfolds itself,brings out so many pleasant surprises...yes I'm talking about God's most beautiful creation,GIRLS :D....we are simple yet complicated,predictable yet the unexpected is always expected from us,confused yet understanding,unusual yet unique,crazy yet loving,clumsy yet beautiful,strong yet humble,vulnerable yet confident...I am writing this on the very first page because every time I open my diary,the first thing I want to see is that I know my worth..my value and my priorities.In this crazy world,where losing one's identity is very easy,I want to keep myself reminded of who I am :)

1. A journey to self-discovery!!

My Dear Diary..naah...very usual and boring..I'm too lazy to write this every time I write something..sooo..something short and unique..umm.."my Deary"..perfect!! :D
 There are quite a few reasons why I'm suddenly writing a diary..let me jot them down:
1st and most important: I DON'T REALLY DO ANYTHING!!
2nd and not so important: mom says writing is a good habit :P
and the last one:I'm just like any other teenage girl and things around me and within me change so quickly that i get confused most of the time..so I need to write down every bit of it to understand the world around me and more importantly to understand myself...:D